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Julius Goodluck had the misfortune to lose part of a thumb when it became entangled with the cut-off saw Wednesday morning.

-from the Ferndale Record, Ferndale, Washington, 1903

A young woman in Dakota who works 160-acres, says she could work twice that if marriage-minded men would stop bothering her.

-from the Vernon Courier, Vernon, Alabama, 1887

Anyone in Alton who wants to have washing done, call on Senator Edmond Beall. He has taken up a fad of doing laundry work.

-from the Alton Evening Telegraph, Alton, Illinois, October 6, 1913

Anyone in Alton who wants to have washing done, call on Senator Edmond Beall.  He has taken up a fad of doing laundry work. Some time ago, the 47th senatorial district’s representative in the Illinois Senate became interested in the purchase of an electric washing machine, guaranteed to do the work of laundrying household linen with efficiency and dispatch. The senator bought the machine and since then he has been putting in his Monday mornings at home. He was planning to go to Springfield Sunday night with Lieutenant Governor O’Hara, but he recalled that Monday was wash day and so he stayed in his home and will go to Springfield tonight. The senator says that he can turn out twelve tubs of thoroughly laundered linen before 11 o’clock in the morning. He can clean clothes as fast as they can be carried out and hung on the line. The machine is fascinating, and the senator is having a time of it – until the novelty wears off. He has superintended the working of the electric machine for three weeks now, and he is more interested than ever. The reason he bought the machine is that there was some trouble in getting competent help on wash day.

All dudes are nincompoops.

-from a column of general brevities in The Semi-Weekly Bourbon News,  Paris, Kentucky,December 25, 1883

Mind what I tell you;frogs is revolutin’ and I know it.

John Estep, a fisherman, went over to Missouri frog hunting, having received an order from St. Louis for frog hams. Among other frogs he captured, one with five fully developed legs, and he is as proud as a pea fowl about it. In speaking about his latest catch, last evening, Mr. Estep said: ‘I ketched a frog once that had whiskers like a cat. I ketched another one once that had a tail like a muskrat’s. ‘Nother time I hauled in a big feller that only had one hind leg, and that was enough like a chicken’s to have a spur on it, but it didn’t. Then there was a curious old frog I ketched years ago that had a head you’d a swore belonged to a snapping turtle, and the nobby feller with a regular white streak round his neck like a dude’s collar, and a round spot covering one of his eyes that made him look exactly as if he was wearing one of them dandy eye glasses. Then there was the frog I ketched that was so cross-eyed I was almost afraid to take it off the hook. But I consider this here five legged frog the biggest piece of flesh of the kind I ever ketched. I’ll tell you why: It ain’t no freak, this five legger aint. It is the result of deliberation on the part of the frogs. Frogs is gettin’ scarce, but folks has got to have them and the frogs know it. Frogs is the smartest things in creation. Now what does them five legs on this frog mean? It means that the frogs haint no doubt of what they are here fur, and knowing they are growing lesser and lesser on the face of the earth, and in the swamps thereof, they are jest agoing into the growing of more legs, so that the decrease in the number of frogs will be made up by the increase in the number of their fat and juicy kickers. This fellow only has five. They’ll be doing better bimeby, and some of these days I will fetch in a stock of frogs wearing all the way from eight to ten legs apiece, and every one of them of a quality to make a frog-eater go crazy with delight. Mind what I tell ye; frogs is revolutin’ and I know it.”

-from the Alton Telegraph, Alton, Illinois, June 22,1893

Unkissed Girl Sought by Rube Waddell

Unkissed Girl Sought by Rube Waddell:  -from The Scranton Republican,Pennsylvania, 1908
Girls here is the chance to marry! Man   -Rube Waddell, Occupation, pitcher for Browns, Income $4,000 a year, Previous condition of servitude, Relict of a grass widow, habits, periodical water drinker, fond of “fires”, “skirts” and domestic excitement. Disposition -easy going, says he will be “good” to the girl who will be
good to him. Amusements -fond of harmless innocent games and exhilarating. Motive -must marry and settle down to win bonus Hedges promised him if he wins 30 games.  Physique – “Splendid, girls, splendid”, has a bear hug which will make any woman happy. When not under the influence of sinister forces is docile and
affectionate.  Allowance -will turn over to wife $1,000 yearly for clothes. Qualifications -Peroxide blonds preferred, women with children need not apply. Bars to matrimony -only the “unkissed” and the “unhugged” need apply.  Rube positively objects to girls who “have” spooned with other fellows.  Age – Anywhere from 14-40. Parents consent required. Girl must pay for license to prove her sincerity. Color -white, brown or yellow. Widows -in order for widows to win the favor of Rube they must furnish proof to the effect that their husbands were hung.  ”Grass and sod widows” have too much of a habit of bragging about the virtues of their former husbands. “Let em show me their former lord and masters were hung to a sour apple tree and I will take em under consideration”.  Experience -the less experience in matrimonial matters the better, “God deliver me from a too wise woman,” he says. Remarks -maids with wooden legs will be frozen out. Heart whole and fancy free is Rube’s motto. False teeth -no woman who wears a half or whole set of false teeth will be accepted. “Bridges” and other said fillings not objected to.  ”Rats” in the hair, like rats in the belfry are not desirable.  Paint -maidens who “paint” or white wash their faces will be eligible to this matrimonial handicap. Powder -moderate amount of powder may be used.